(no subject)

I haven't posted in a long while, but I have things I need to rant about and I can't do it anywhere else without the wrong people bearing witness.

Phillip and I have a short-distance goal on the horizon.
I'm going to be going to school in Wooster, 15 minutes away from him.
That's a big difference from the 2,000 miles currently between us.

Even though this is wonderful news and I'm happier than I've ever been at the prospect of being so close to him. I find myself having doubts.
I know that this is what I want. I know that I love him with all my heart and he means everything in the world to me.
Of COURSE I want to be where he is.

I guess I'm scared, though.
I've got all the bad thoughts in the world and little things are making me second-guess myself when it comes to taking such a huge step.
This is monumental. My entire life, moved across the country.
I'm going to a fantastic school, so I'm going to be happy no matter what, of course, but a big part of this move is that he is there.

But it's like... Every little thing makes me so upset, these days, I'm being so sensitive.
I get mad at him because he makes me feel neglected, then he makes it disappear like I was never mad to begin with.

He games with his friends on weekends. I tell him to just not text me while he's over there because I hate waiting 2 hours between texts, it's ridiculous. Problem is, he stays there all day and night, sometimes into the next morning. Weekends are my free time. He knows this. I don't want him not to go out with his friends, I want him to have a good time. But how do I make myself stop feeling ignored while he does it ? It makes me feel ridiculously codependent that I get so pissed at him when he and I don't talk all day.... And then he'll come back late in the evening and suddenly everything's fine, I'm not mad anymore. I guess I just feel like he expects me to be around ANY time he wants to talk or whatever... But every weekend now, he's off doing his own thing, and I'm just supposed to wait around for him ? Fuck that.

I think this decision is weighing on my mind more than I really thought it was.
I'm happy, absolutely. But I'm frightened.
I still have trust issues with him, I worry more often than I like that he's not telling me things.
And I'm afraid that I'm going to go down there and there's going to be some slap in the face like,

I know that I love him with all my heart.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
So why am I thinking like this ? 

So, my sister.

My little sister, little miss 16-and-pregnant, wants to talk to me about parenting.

It's a shame, too, because we were having such a nice night.
She's making up her credits, she's learning to play the piano.
I'm incredibly proud of her.

Then little jokes about her child being 10 years older than mine cause a bit of a rift in the conversation...

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And the worst part about it is that I can't tell her exactly what's on my mind.
That she will never know how wonderful it is to be free and in her twenties,
Or how fun life can be when your only responsibilities are to yourself,
Or how her children will grow up resenting her like we grew up resenting our mother
Because she can't give them everything she'd like to.

I have to be the supportive older sister who pretends not to care that the 16-year-old moron purposely got pregnant to avoid responsibility.
If only she fucking knew.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed

(no subject)

It's been a long while since I've felt like posting here,
But to be honest, my life's been the same old dramatic hell it always is.
Usually, when I do post, it's to whine and cry about Phillip.
Today, I have a new issue to wallow about.

My aunt Shawna is a lesbian.
(No, this is not where the wallowing begins.)
She recently got "married" to this fat woman I hate.
(Okay, to be fair, I wouldn't be calling her names if I didn't also hate her.)
They encourage each other to continue destructive habits.
They're both drug addicts and enablers.

Aaaand the news of this morning is that they're also both strippers. >.<
They've been hanging out at this strip club in a little town named Beatty, whose population is barely over one thousand.
They picked up a job there, where they strip (totally nude) as a team.
Shawna and Destiny have become Diva and Dawn.
In the tiniest town where everyone knows them, intimately.

Destiny is terrrrribly put off that she isn't getting a world of support from the family.

I'm trying to keep my place and not be the opinionated woman that I am.

I hope they find their way.
I also hope someone knocks some sense into them.

(no subject)

It really is unbelievable what your emotions can make you do.

I trust him.
It hurts like hell, and I trust him, anyway.
In the back of my mind, I have this fear that he's going to hurt me again, but I trust him not to.
Does that even make sense ?
You would think I'd just give up on trust altogether.
But no.
I trust him.

Writer's Block: How could you?

Would you ever take someone back after they cheated on you, and why? What could change your mind?

Once upon a time, I would have said "no, no, no, no, absolutely not."
Cheating was the ONE offense that simply could not be forgiven, in my eyes.
That is, until I fell in love.
Yes, ladies and gents, you heard me.
Try as we might to insist that "no one could ever get away with doing ________ to me."
Well, love changes things.
When you find that real, true love, you'll know what I'm saying here.
There are some things, in some circumstances, where we truly have no option but to forgive.
If he ever cheated on me... I truly don't know if I would have the capacity to leave him.
Yes, things would be difficult, and no, I would never trust him again, but would I still love him ? Absolutely.
Granted... Repeated offenses would be a completely different story...
If he cheated repeatedly, I would have enough dignity to know that I deserve better than that.
Buuuuut, honestly... It all depends on the circumstance.
You cannot honestly say "never" until you have been through it, yourself,
Even in matters so serious as cheating,
And it is different with every partner.

Any other man ? Absolutely not. I'd leave him in a heartbeat.
The man I love ? Well, I'll let you know if I ever get there.

(no subject)

I feel like such an ass.
She's my friend, too...
If I can try to forgive this of him,
Why is it so hard for me to associate with her ?
She isn't the one who hurt me, he is.
It isn't fair to her that I can't grow up and let it go.

(no subject)

Sooo, I wasn't able to get pictures of this until AFTER the night was over, so I'm not even tryyyying to get pictures of the top...
(It looks terrible. xD)
The zippers still looked okay after all was said and done, though, so I'll post that. =D
(Also, bad quality and awkward angles, I only had a cell phone on me.)

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Voilaaa !

(no subject)

I went to my great-grandfather's "memorial" today.
Much like my great-grandmother's last year, it was a little less than memorable.

A. My grandmother, their daughter, is spending every last penny of their money on drugs.
When we showed up, she was strung the fuck out and didn't even know why we were there.
First thing she did was ask us for money; evidently, she didn't have cash on her.

B. The memorial had nothing to do with my grandfather, whatsoever.
Why ? Refer to A.
Trudy was so busy ranting about what bills she should and shouldn't have to pay and talking about her exciting new vacation she's going to take with my grandparents' money, she didn't even realize we were all there for a memorial service.
Everyone else was so busy being angry with Trudy, no one cared to remember this was supposed to be about my grandfather, not her.
Not a word was said about the man.

C. My uncle has cancer.
I'm evidently supposed to keep this secret from the ones I love,
The ones who know and love him,
For the next five months,
Until he can get definitive information.

D. An old friend of the family,
Who was supposed to be in JAIL with my UNCLE for four years,
Showed up at the memorial.
He seemed to think there was no reason whatsoever that we should have any questions as to why the hell he wasn't in jail, as we were all under the impression that he was.
Something is going on, I'm being lied to, and I'm going through too much other shit to have the tolerance for it,

Too much for one night.
I really just can't handle any of this right now.
I don't know where to start.
I need someone to lean on, and I seem to be fresh out.

***I kinda-sorta talked to Phillip.
I don't really know what happened, there. =/
He was busy doing something, God knows what, and barely said anything to me beyond "I'm sorry, wish I could help."
It didn't feel sincere, it felt like something people say to have something to say.
I don't want to think that way,
I want to feel like he really, genuinely wanted to help.
But it didn't feel like he had any desire to give me the time of day.
Whatever he was doing was more interesting, evidently.
I hope it was something worth being pushed aside for.
I love him... Sometimes I wonder if I should,
Or if he really does love me the same way I love him.
Because if he'd been going through what I was going through,
I'd have dropped everything for him. =/
Things were feeling really good between the two of us until then...
Was I feeling that way because I'm really hurting right now and seeing things in an odd light,
Or did he really not care ?
Ugh, I don't even know.

Writer's Block: One door closes, another one opens

Have you ever closed the door on an opportunity or a relationship in order to open another door, only to realize you made the wrong choice?

I broke up with Phillip because I thought I could use the time to focus on my studies.
I thought he could use the time to pick himself up, figure out what he wants in life.
But I find that I'm so preoccupied with the fact that I need him so damned much, I can't figure out what it was that I left him for.
I would give anything to just start over.